Ahh, the lovely sound of the click clack of cleats on a concrete tunnel. The wincing of your face and the clenching of your muscles as you watch your boys put the hurt on a quarterback who stood flat footed in the pocket. Nothing could make this single dad more proud than witnessing his ten year old manchild lay waste to a chalk lined field of Pop Warner newbies. But, lately my life just hasn't worked out that way. Lately my boys have done everything in their power to kill my dreams. Yep, little dream killers they are and boy did they bring it.
This year when it came time to register for Football this year my boys each said, "Nope." Each of them stood bold face forward and told their father they had no intentions of playing Football this year. And there it was, my hopes of a glorious Football season watching my beloved Arizona State Sundevils drop the hammer of pain on the Pac 10 on Saturdays, my NY Giants dominating the NFC East on Sundays and watching my heathens hold down their Pop Warner squads with pride on Friday nights was dead.
Baseball was the sport of choice in our house this Fall and this dad could not be more dissappointed or perterbed. I had just spent an entire Summer watching the excitement of youth baseball. Truthfully, the thought of watching another season of 6 year olds fighting over ground balls while some goofy kid rounds the bases like he just jacked one out of the park and his ridiculous parents beaming with pride like their kid is the next Derek Jeter made me want to puke. But, there I was smiling and supportive. You know, like a used jock strap. All the air was knocked out of me and my hopes of a Fall filled with my boys scoring touchdowns and sending kids crying to the sidelines was over.
So, I found the only Fall Ball in our area and signed my boys up. How bad could it be? Right? I meen, it is an organized league in a town where sports are taken relatively serious. The parents aren't allowed to yell at umpires or scream obscenities at other parents but, all in all this part of California does carry some athletic pride. Right? Wrong. I don't think I have ever been so wrong in my life. Two weeks after signing my boys up and having to deal with the fact that I was buying baseball cleats instead of football cleats the email of death hit my inbox. There it was. The Welcome to Fall Ball email. And that is when this single dad's crap hit the fan. Let's dissect the email together, shall we?
Hello, My name is XXXXXXXX (his name is stupid any way - you don't need to know it), and I'd like to welcome you to San Ramon Fall Ball.
1. Fall Ball is a relaxed atmosphere where players and coaches learn and have fun. Uuuhhmm, winning is fun. Isn't it? Why isn't there anything about winning? Also, what's with the part where this cat mentions coaches learning? Aren't the coaches supposed to be teaching? Maybe I am just crazy - I mean all the coaches I had when I was growing up were always learning as they go....what the hell is this? Do you think Joe Girardi is learning as he goes while coaching the Yankees? Ok, that is a terrible example. My bad. Would someone please fire Joe Girardi already. Thanks.
2. We don't keep score, nor do we track wins and losses. Let me get this straight, the league doesn't keep score or track wins and losses??!! Really? Because in real life no one keeps score, right? No one cares about winning in real life, do they? Since when did Communists start running youth baseball? Not keeping score is not only a travesty to the concept of sports, not keeping score is down right Un-American. Baseball is all about keeping score. Baseball is the sport of stats and facts. You want to learn something? Learn how to pick yourself up after a crushing loss. Learn how to be a young man of pride and shake hands with the pitcher who just struck your ass out. What in the hell does not keeping score teach our kids? Someone please tell me because right now I am out of answers.
3. Fall Ball is instructional - it is a time where players can try new positions. At 10yrs old if you plan on playing ball at a level higher than Middle School you should be focusing on one position and one position only. And, if you met this coach you could see at first sight his players weren't going to learn a damn thing about baseball. Who coaches while wearing his Blue Tooth ear piece? Has anyone in their lifetime witness some dork in tube socks and sweat shorts coaching a field of ten year olds (many of who could kick this coaches ass without breaking a sweat) while maintaining Blue Tooth integrity? Someone please get the difribulator ready. This single dad is about to have a freaking heart attack.
4. Sorry for the late notice but the league was short of coaches so I just signed up this weekend to manage our team to ensure the boys got a chance to play. Our first practice will be this Friday and 1st game on Sunday Sept 7th. Will forward team practice and game schedule via separate email. I'm really looking forward to working with your sons. I still need a few be assistant coaches. Especially for Friday practices and assisting during the game. Any volunteers? Lucky for this cat I volunteered. After witnessing the first Friday practice and the oh so cool tube socks, I decided to take the Friday practices he so easily passed on. Sure, no problem. I will take on the task of coaching these kids so you can stand on the sideline during game day and take all the glory. You got it Chief. According to this league the game isn't about the score though, right? Hey, at least our boys will learn to play the game at a high level. I also bought a scoring book. I ALWAYS keep score. Just ask my ex-wife. Hey, I am not the only one who keeps score. So does real life.
5. Uniforms: The league will provide a jersey and hat. A jersey and a hat? That isn't a uniform that is something Men's Softball leagues put pictures of beer mugs and strippers on. For $200 my kid better get a pair of pants and matching socks. This is getting ridiculous.
6. I will pick up our team jerseys this Tuesday. Don't worry about pants or socks. Let your boys wear whatever color socks, pants or belts they have. We are here to have fun. Will provide team name once known. Let me get this straight. The league and the coach could care less if the kids roll onto the playing field in matching uniforms? Looking like a unified team is now overrated? Uniformity and unity are now no longer a part of organized sports? How are the kids supposed to look, feel and act like a team if they don't even wear the same colored socks? At first I thought Communists had taken over this league, but not even Communists would let their player roll onto a ball field without the same uniforms.
7. Please confirm you received this email so I know I have typed everyone's email correctly.Feel free to contact me via email or my cell phone XXX-XXX-XXXX. For his sake I am keeping his cell # private - I know you people would blow him up if given the chance.
8. Thanks, Coach XXXXXX. No. Thank you. Really. Thank you for all of this. How about coming over to my house and kicking me in the nuts? Maybe, you could even take a leak in my potted plants.
And there it is, my Fall of Football completely ruined by a baseball league that doesn't keep score or track wins and losses. The best part of it all is the fact that all of my boys games are played on Sunday.
Anyone want to guess on how much NFL action this single dad will get to enjoy this season?
This is my life.
This is rDads life.
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