rDadsLife!

Being the father of a boy who is not only fascinated with skateboarding, but also obsessed I find myself at the local skate park just about every weekend.  Due to its clientele the skate park is often frequented by the local police.  Most often the cops drive by for show.  The police know the park is home to teenagers with way too much time on their hands, way too much money, tons of cigarettes, just as much pot and underage girls swooning over a group of intellectual infants who will probably be delivering pizzas for a living before they ever make it out of high school. 

The game between the cops and kids usually follows this game plan...One kids spots the cops, calls out to his buddies and all of a sudden helmets go on, cigarettes are extinguished and young girls tug at their skirts in an effort to actually cover their ass cheeks.  Then the police drive through the parking lot without ever stepping out of their vehicles.  This process is repeated several times throughout the day.  It is a rather interesting ritual and typically fun to watch.  This weekend however the local police seemed to be coming around more often than normal.  And, the animals at the zoo seemed to be more agitated than usual.

Before I even knew what was going on I was looking up at a mirrored pair of aviators and the biggest woman I had ever seen.  The first thing I thought was 'shit, here I am sitting at a concrete table covered in cock art and holding a black marker, fucking great'.  Then the cops says, "Sir can I get your help with these kids?"  And there it was...all of a sudden am that kid in high school who just happens to see the football team fill some dorks ass cheeks up with Icy Hot before duct taping his ass cheeks together.  However, instead I am a middle aged "old" guy hanging around a skate park just trying to get some reading done and not contract lung cancer from the second hand smoke these Spicoli wannabes are blowing in my direction. 

So, there I was feeling like a kicker who just missed the game winning field goal while the largest woman I had ever seen is asking me to watch the pay phone and then tell her which kids were making the crank 911 calls. The entire time I am thinking, 'No way bro, I am no narc.  And, did you really have to get the double D's when you had the sex change?'  At this point I think I was actually starting to sweat as I attempted to reposition my hands and arms across the concrete table in such a way that I was able to cover up the lewd cartoon drawings of huge cocks and miscellaneous references to unnamed high school girls who evidently have exceptional oral skills....debaters no doubt.  Ahh, the joys of high school.....

As I did my best not to make I contact I couldn't help but notice the only thing more intimidating than her sidearm and mustache was the width of her shoulders and the insanely overbearing Adams Apple in her throat. On and on this cop kept talking about how annoying it was to keep getting called out to the skate park on fake 911 calls all the while knowing she was going to find a bunch of over privileged juvenile delinquents hanging around in a circle, chain smoking and speaking in tongues as if they were extras in a rap video.  As much as I agreed with her I just kept thinking about how the guy who had the stomach it took to actually get this woman naked, climb the mountain and plant a flag at the top was probably the bravest man in the world.  Well, that guy and the guy who has sex with Oprah (fat Oprah, not skinny Oprah).

I was also thinking all I needed to do was narc on a bunch of teenage kids who hang out at the same park my boys do.  My head was filled with pictures of my boys getting their precious heads shoved into the mouths of the skate parks steel toilets while these bright minds were standing over them laughing their dumb asses off over the fact that my boys' father was dumb enough to talk to the cops.  And then she did it.  The cop reached across the table and shook my hand only to top that off by saying, "The San Ramon police thank you for your help."  The moment the words left her mouth the crowd of high school kids behind us broke out in laughter.  And, I am quite certain there were numerous shouts of "narc" and "fag" muttered under the disguise of a few hard coughs.

Before the cop had even gotten into her squad car my son had managed to hide in the back seat of ours.  I highly doubt we will be going back to that skate park anytime soon.

This is my life.

This is rDads life.

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written by cutesundevil, January 27, 2009

You are ridiculous...holy cow I laughed my little butt off while reading this!

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written by Connor, January 25, 2009

I lost it when you went on about the double D's and the cock drawings. You are out there bro. Holy crap that is funny. I am with you on this one my man. I wouldn't narc either. Your kids would be doomed at that skate park if you ratted on those little bastards who were making the calls. Not to mention those little punks would probably key your car.

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written by Joy, January 25, 2009

Too funny, well maybe your son will tire of skateboarding...I sure hope so.

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