rDadsLife!

There should be a pill for parents who manage children in multiple sports.  Pharmaceutical companies manufacture pills so 80 year old men can get hardons so you think there would be a pill parents can take that would allow us to stand in 90 degree heat in between practices, games and tryouts.  The pill would also make us parents think we actually had lives outside of our children and we somehow had maintained so semblance of our sanity.

Oh, did I mention I also agreed to coach my 7yr old's baseball team? Coaching 7yr old boys in anything has to be the equivalent of trying to convince a starving tiger not to eat a sleeping deer.  That tiger isn't going to listen to you and if you get in his way chances are you will be that tiger's appetizer.  The same logic applies to children who are forced to play a game of baseball for two hours.  By the fourth inning all those kids care about are snacks and they aren't listening to their coach at all.  And, if you even dare get in their way while they are screwing around chances are you are going to take a bat or ball to the nuts.  That being said we did win the Danville Farm League Championship....who's the super dad now? (can u find me here?)

Somewhere along the way my 20yr old cousin and her toddler moved in with me.  Not sure how that all ended up happening, but I can tell you that having a toddler in my house clearly reminded me of why I decided to get clipped many years ago.  Allowing a toddler into your home is like opening your front door and asking homeless people to start a camp in your living room.  Toddlers are like puppies.  They have no concern for your shit or your home.  They have no comprehension of how much stuff costs.  Toddlers just drop food as they walk and could care less about milk stains on brown leather.

Have you ever stepped on a piece of macaroni and cheese with your bare feet?  You feel the squish as it smashes between your toes and grinds into your carpet.  You know what it is, but you have to look.  So you pick up your foot and curse as you see the stain on the carpet and just as you think the worst has come a twelve month old head butts you in the balls and laughs her ass off as you fall down.  Have you ever experienced this same level of joy?  I have and that is why my cousin is back in her home with her parents and I am toddler free.  Being a parent to a toddler is like being at war.  No thanks.  I did three tours of duty and I am not going back for more.  Dirty diapers, milk stains, crying in the middle of the night, slobber, throwing up, more crying and dinners out being ruined by uncontrollable fits....uuhhhhh, no kid is that cute.  Sorry.

Then one day while I was heading out of my office for lunch I received a hysterical call from my ex-wife.  Her house was currently on fire and she was a mess.  Yep, her house burned to the ground.  When I say there was nothing left you can check the pic and see that not only her condo was gone, but so was at least 4 others.  Not to mention the fact that the fire department had to douse the entire building so all in total eight condominiums were condemed.  Then my ex-wife moved in with me.  There she stayed for one month.

Living with your ex no matter how civil or friendly the two of you may be has got to be like dropping a snake down your pants knowing you are going to get bit, but hoping you at least don't get bit on your balls.  You know it's coming you just hope it won't be all that bad.  And then it happens, you get bit on the head and on the sack.  Then you wake up and remember you get migraine headaches from even the faint smell of smoke....oh yeah, and your ex-wife is a smoker and your front patio is filled with bags of smoke ridden clothes the fire department was able to save.  Every day for a month straight I chewed Excedrin migraine medicine like most people chew gum.  My chaser was usually a bottle of Pinot Noir and over the counter sinus medication.  But hey, rDad loves the kids....

Then there was Easter.

Then my 11yr old knocked a glass of water all over my laptop and I lost one years' worth of work on my new novel.

Some where along the way I managed to hire a new sales rep and then my company decided our region needed a new Client Service Rep as well.  I don't tend to get involved in hiring the service based people, but once I met this cat I knew I should start.  Now am I not only babysitting a new sales rep, but I am also having to babysit a grown man who actually wears Velcro sneakers, eats bags of hamburgers, is Mormon and uses the Equator for a belt.  Did I mention this guy also wears carpenter jeans and horizontal striped shirts? Seriously?  Horizontal stripes when you are so fat you sweat french fry grease?  Come on!!

On the one day I actually had time to hit the gym this clown asked me for a spot.  But, he didn't want me to help him with weights, no he wanted me to help him get it up.  Get his feet up on the pull up bar that is.  Yes, this clown actually has on ankle boots for hanging pull ups.  Oh, and that is me just behind him taking pictures. 

Not quite sure what the yellow spandex top is all about, but I do love the fact that this 80 year old man has on spandex shorts and also brought a mocha frap blended drink to the gym and then has the balls to put his ass in some dudes' face just so he can hang upside down.  Did I mention he got stuck on that bar and had to have help down?  This guy is so classic.

Yes, that is still me sitting on the bench behind this clown.  I am taking pictures with my iPhone while I watch this douche start to black out.  At this point he has been hanging upside down for about 10 minutes and hasn't done a single hanging sit up.  I am thinking if the mocha frap was above his feet he might actually get up there to get it.  What a clown.

The lifting gloves on his hands are the key component to this masterpiece.  You see, he used the weights to stand on so he could reach the bar.  The only thing he has lifted since he hit the gym has been his coffee.

Oh, and then at some point I decided this would be a good time to move.  During which time I sliced open my finger and ignored my friends cries for stitches.  I still have no feeling in the tip of my finger.