rDadsLife!

Regardless of how I may or may not have treated stewardesses my travel woes began long before my college days of one night stands with flying waitresses.  I can distinctly recall a trip to Hawaii at the tender age of 8 where my troubles with air travel became not only excruciating, but also very embarrassing.  I was standing at the luggage carousel staring at my bag which had been sliced to ribbons with what was obviously a straight edge.  The lovely people at Continental Airlines Customer Service smiled politely and told me the cuts in my baggage were probably a form of retaliation to how heavy my bag was...."Welcome to the Islands young man."  Talked about going from getting laid to getting screwed.  As it happened my underwear was on top of my luggage that fateful trip so I had to resort to 'going commando' all week.  A little advice, if you happen to be standing on the beach in pale yellow, linen pants and the waves crash over you, do yourself a favor and don't turn back around and wave to your mom and sister who happen to be enjoying their warm helpings of poi at the hotel luau.
 
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Two years ago I made plans to fly to Arizona and spend the Christmas Holidays with family and friends.  For several months I had been sending boxes of gifts to Phoenix via Fed Ex in preparation for my trip.  I had originally planned on arriving in Phoenix two days before Christmas, but due to work constraints I had to change my plans which left me arriving in Arizona on Christmas Eve.  My girlfriend at the time picked me up and we then proceeded to stand at the luggage carousel for close to 2 hours as we painstakingly waited for my bag which never came.  As we stood there, each of us dealing with the present predicament in our own way (me cursing out loud and my girlfriend doing her best to act like she wasn't standing beside me) we couldn't help but notice a very ugly red bag which no one had claimed.  So, we made the assumption some idiot grabbed my brand new red bag by mistake leaving me with the ugly, old one.  Once we dragged the ugly, old bag to Southwest Baggage Assistance it was clear we had made the correct assumption.
 
The phone call to the true owner of the ugly, old bag went something like this:
 
  "Hi, this is Customer Service with Southwest we believe you took the wrong bag while you were at Phoenix Sky Harbor this evening.  Could you please check the bag you took tonight to make sure it is yours."
 
  "Uh, ok." 5 Minutes go by.  Apparently this guy had to find his brains first.  "Yes, it seems we did.  We picked my mother up from the airport and she pointed out the wrong bag to us.  Geez, there sure are a ton of presents and shoes in this bag."
 
  Thanks for going through my stuff and commenting on my shoe fetish.  Oh, and solid job on throwing your aging mother under the bus.
 
  "Well, the owner of that bag is here at the airport and would like to get his bag returned."
 
  "We live in Glendale" 1hr from Phoenix Sky Harbor..."Could he come get it?"
 
  This is where the agent looks at me and in return I give her my patented 'get f'd' look.
 
  "Sir, he would appreciate it if you dropped it off immediately."
 
  "Well tomorrow is Christmas and it is late.  Can he wait until after the holiday?"
 
At this point I took the phone from the Southwest employee and explained the ins and outs of common courtesy to the man on the phone as well as several choice four letter words which indicated my extreme level of dissatisfaction for his inability to read name tags.  Two hours later and six beers into a bender my bag was returned.  At which point I made the man wait while I counted my shoes and Christmas gifts.  What a way to start the Holidays, eh?

Here are some signs the bag you picked up does not belong to you:

1. The bag you are taking is heavier than the bag you checked in.
2. The bag you are about to take has someone else's name on it.  In several easy to read locations including the luggage check-in ticket!!!
3. The bag you are about to take is bright red and brand new while your bag is very dull red and looks as though it were rescued from a house fire.
4. The bag you are about to take is Samsonite and your bag is Pancho's Border Crossing Gear.
5. The bag you are about to take DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU.

As if that scenario isn't bad enough, let me fill you in on the rDad's Never Fail Travel Scenarios:
 
1. The moment I enter the flight check-in line two of the three gate agents go on break.
2. My security line is always held up by the one person who has never flown before and cannot believe a nail file isn't allowed on a plane.
3. No one in my security line has figured out how to take keys out of their pocket, take off their belt or take off their shoes before attempting to walk through the security screen.
4. At least half of the people in line have on their sunglasses (really? sunglasses indoors?  easy there rap star)
5. I get security screened (apparently Caucasian males in their thirties who are so white they make Wonder Bread jealous are on the watch list for the TSA)
6. While being screened I am the guy who gets the TSA agent in training resulting in my laptop bag being bomb tested at least 5 times.  Apparently the act of placing what looks like a OxiPad on a pair of salad tongs is very difficult.
7. My plane is always full
8. I am never seated next to the good looking, single female.  I am however in the seat next to the insanely obese individual who hit relax mode once seated and the majority of that person's body mass falls into my lap.  Or, I am seated next to the foreigner who has never been taught the value of deodorant.  Or, even better, I am seated directly in front of the screaming child who constantly kicks my seat and who's parent is about as in control of the situation as Bush is Iraq.  "Use your inside voice Johnny.  You know mommy doesn't appreciate your behavior."  Way to take control lady.  How about taking that kid to the bathroom and introducing his ass to your hand.
9. My bag gets lost, slashed, damaged or taken in a case of mistaken identity (ie. the person in question cannot read luggage tags).
10. The weather at my destination is terrible.

If you want more of my horror stories please feel free to ask.  My recent trip to Dallas was filled with insane gate agents, employees of airlines hiding behind corporate policy as a shield for crappy customer service, TSA agents who have no idea what 4oz. is, and on and on and on and on.....

This is my life.

This is rDads life.