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As a single father of three boys I do my best to know everything my kids do, when they do it and who with (wait til' they start dating....oh what fun they will have). One of the ways I keep control of their environment and monitor their friends is by offering to be the house where all of the kids want to hang out. When my garage door opens the neighborhood kids come running. It is at this point where the wine gets uncorked because out come the skateboards, go-karts and bikes only to unleash the screaming, fighting and all nonsense that goes along with squaring in the overwhelming amounts of youthful testosterone.
Without fail it seems that every weekend my boys have some neighborhood kid spend the night resulting in the XBox 360, Wii, and Playstations receiving Beta Tester type workouts and me aging in Dog years. I don't think the manufacturers of these game systems had any idea what their machines were in for when I plunked down my credit card and took those bad boys home. Our XBox has nightmares about weekend sleepovers at this dad's house.
That being said, as the one house on the block where every kid is welcome I honestly believe all kids should be outfitted with Warning Labels before leaving their homes. If your house is constantly filled with kids like mine is, you know exactly what I am talking about.
Let's run through the kids who have graced my home:
The Riddler: No, not the weirdo in green tights....this is the kid who follows you around your house asking the same ridiculous questions over and over again. You know these are the same questions his parents probably beat him for. This is the kid who makes Librarians turn into crack addicts and his own grandparents thank the Lord their grandkids live three states away. This kid walks around constantly spouting "who", "why", "where", "how come", "what for", "how many"...and on and on and on...Every time this kid comes over I wake up in the middle of the night screaming "BECAUSE I SAID SO!". Warning Label: I will ask more questions than Alex Trebek and each one of them is insanely stupid and equally annoying. My parents think I have ADD.
Captain Metabolism: This is the kid who walks into your home and immediately states "I am hungry" like he is introducing himself at a networking event. You know this kid....this kid feels like your fridge and cupboards are his, not to mention he usually has dietary restrictions...and not one of those dietary restrictions is normal. Every time you turn around this kid is asking for something to eat like he is ordering food at a restaurant. Not to mention the fact that this kid never orders directly off the menu. I am willing to bet this kids' parents go to Italian retaurants and order burritos. Even when this kid isn't at your house he is texting your kids and asking for food. Warning Label: I will raid your pantry like a homeless person who was just turned loose on a Booze Buffet. Get ready to double your grocery bill.
High Fidelity: This young lad is on the top of every notable offenders list. We all have one of these kids in the circle of our childrens' friends. This is the kid who has no inside voice. This kid runs around your house screeming at the top of his lungs. Every conversation with this child happens at a decible level equivalent to the roaring sound of a jet engine.....except there is no jet engine. Get this kid in your house with a "Riddler" child and I promise you there isn't enough liquor in your cabinets to stay sane.
You can usually point this kids' parents out at any social function with a great amount of ease and certainty. His father is the one with a beat red face and talking over the top of every parent who happens to engage him in conversation. Have you ever seen The Big Lebowski? The character played by John Goodman is definitely the father of a "High Fedelity" child. Love that movie. Warning Label: I make more noise that screaming women at a Bon Jovi concert. Having me at your home is like taking a stroll through a tin can full of pre-teen girls.
Cool Guy: You know this kid, he is the one who has everything your kids have except his stuff is bigger, better and he had it first. This tyke walks around your house eyeballing your place like a criminal making mental notes on the stuff he is going to steal when he breaks in after the sun goes down. It is almost like this kid is doing the math on what he can carry and what he can get for for the stuff he takes at the local fence (not chain link...this is a place where the underworld types take your stuff after they steal it and get cold hard duckets...ie, money - hey, I listen to 50 Cent). Warning Label: I am way too cool for your kids, but my parents wanted to go to the mall so you get me for the afternoon. It's time to feel inferior people!
The Claritin Kid: I love this kid.....he is allergic to your dog, allergic to your cat, allergic to your food and looks like he is going to pee his pants every time your kids take out a peanut. This kid almost always has older sisters, has never seen a movie with a rating above 'G', has skin so pale you can see his veins, wears inhalers on his hips like six guns and has never picked up a toy sword or gun in his life. You know this kid....he comes into your house and hardly speaks...he has his own hand sanitizer and wants to call his mother on the top of every hour just to check in. This kid will most likely have the school nurse on speed dial. Warning Label: Every local Emergency Room has an "In Case of Claritin Kid Break Glass" container dedicated to every imaginary affliction my mother swears I have.
The Great Carnac: Probably one of the most annoying kids around. This kid always has his hand up and his mouth open. He doesn't make predictions, but he does answer questions he doesn't even know the actual answers to. This kid will make answers up just so he can have something to say. I have heard of cows and barns being sucked into space and teachers jumping out of windows just to escape the whirlwind tornado of nonsense coming from this kids mouth. I once had this kid and 'The Riddler' at my house at the same time and I literally thought the world was about to end. I kept looking up to the sky in search of a giant meteor with Bruce Willis strapped to it in a space suit - nuclear warhead ready to roll all the while B.W. is screaming at Ben Affleck about dating his daughter. Warning Label: My parents think I am gifted and encourage me to express myself. They tell me I am a genius. I know more than you do and I know it. Come on, ask me a question...I dare you.
Trifecta: This is the kid whose parents, relatives, therapists and neighbors are all closet alcoholics. This kid is any combination of any 3 of the above. I have made the mistake of identifying this kid way too late and ended up letting him spend the night. This kid ate three hotdogs, six cookies, drank four Root Beers, threw up twice, called his mother five times, fell off his bike, cried for two hours, asked to go home - then half way home asked to go back to my house, woke up three times during the night and then wet the bed. You know this kid because you see him at every school function standing by himself and everyone is staring at him like he is Death incarnate. Warning Label: I have been in therapy since I was 18mos old and my parents haven't slept since the day I was born. I haven't been invited to a birthday party since I spoke my first words. Never feed me sugar.
Every neighborhood has one of or more of these kids living in it and one of them is probably on his way to your house. There are so many more kids out there with insanities and traits I haven't yet listed. If you know any kids who should be on this list please do the parents who frequent rDadsLife a favor and let us know. You never know, the sanity you save may be your own....
This is my life.
This is rDads life.
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