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I recently came across an article on MSN by Susan Korones Gifford in which she outlines 11 ways for a woman to keep her man totally fixated on her and crazy in love.....OH REALLY? Why is it that every article revolving around 'keeping a man happy' or 'how to keep your man from cheating' seems to be written by a woman?
Seriously? When will the inner thoughts of guys finally be written by guys and get published in a medium where women might actually read it and pay attention?
The question I have for all of these women authors who are writing articles about relationships and what men think is, "How many men left you before you wrote the article in question?" And, "What is your experience level with men in general?" And, by experience I don't mean your experience with wimpy guys who were raised by overbearing mothers (ok, before all of your uptight women get really upset....please keep in mind I am doing my best to be funny...not offensive).
As I read through the article I literally laughed my butt off. No guy would ever care about half of the stuff this author claims men would find appealing and engaging. Below are the 11 topics raised in the article and my response to each. Hate it or love it, my responses are what men really think.....or at least this guy thinks.
1. Play Poker
Why: So you can socialize his way for a change.
rDAD: Really? Play poker? You know, every divorced guy I come across tells me about how he left his wife because she wouldn't play poker with him. NOT!! However these same divorced fathers do tell me horror stories about how their wives would play silly guilt trips on them. And how their ex-wifes would question them about leaving the house to playing poker with the guys/or hitting the gym/or playing golf. Or how their ex-wives would call every hour and bug the crap out of these poor guys while they were just trying to have a good time with their buddies (by good time I mean drinks few beers, smoke cigars, talk junk to each other and just be guys).
Look, if I wanted my wife to play poker with me and my buddies I would invite my buddies wives to play as well. Playing poker with your wife is cool if you happen to be camping with the kids or playing strip poker with the hot swinger couple we met online. Outside of those two circumstances I would love it if my wife would just let me hang out with the guys and not call me incessently or lay some lame ass guilt trip on me.
2. Give the Perfect Backrub
Why: Because there's more than one way to make a guy moan in complete and utter satisfaction.
rDAD: I love this one!! I would have eagerly paid for my ex-wife to take a massage class. I would have loved to have taken a couples massage class. How romantic would that be? And potentially erotic too....sounds like fun to me. Where can we sign up? I'll bring my credit card and flavored oils!
3. Tie His Tie for Him
Why: Because it's such a sexy, retro, little-wifey move.
rDAD: 'Little-Wifey Move'? Is that term Oprah approved? Tie my tie for me? Ummm, that's ok, I go it on my own. I have been handling my own ties since I was 9 and my dad taught me all about the rabbit running around the hole and then jumping into the hole and pulling the rabbit through. I think I got this one.
I do however have an idea for something you could do for me while I am taking care of my Windsor Knot. This act is the perfect "little-wifey move" that would totally get my day going in the best way. Want a hint? Notice your reflection in my belt buckle.....(ok, that was really funny...crass, but true, crudely funny and VERY effective).
4. Make a Mean Steak
Why: That hulking slab o' beef appeals to his most manly side.
rDAD: No, that's ok. The grill is my domain. You can master the Deviled Eggs, keeping the neighbors kids away from me, laundry, dishes, keeping your mother away from me, keeping your friends creepy kids away from me, never asking me to watch Oprah or the Notebook with you and making a mean Macaroni Salad....please leave my grill alone. Unless you are cleaning it (ok, that's another joke).
5. Wake Him Up in the Morning with a Sexy Nightie and...
Why: So he'll start his day with a smile — at the very least.
rDAD: Other than the fact that anyone who says "Nightie" must be at least 100 years old or under the age of 9, this red blooded, single dad is in total agreement with this idea. A very nice, very black bustier and thigh high garter set along a few hints of your sexiest perfume and a wayward hand could definitely equal an amazing morning and a very loyal guy...or, even better...a pink mesh top and....well I hope you can use your own imagination because mine is on overload right now...YES PLEASE!
6. Give Him a Barbershop Shave
Why: He'll get a sexy little thrill from letting you wield all the power while he submits to your capable hands.
rDAD: Ummm, no he won't. Are you (the author of this insane article) suggesting I actually tilt my head back, exposing the main artery in my neck while you (my wife) are holding a razor sharp blade (didn't Jack the Ripper use these types of blades?)? Seriously? Who are you kidding? Every woman in the world would be standing over her husband (in a very Sweeny Todd moment) thinking about every time her husband made fun of her mother/sister/friends/hobbies/clothes/shoes/makeup/TV choices/friends/poker skills....and on and on and on and on and on and on....all while she is holding a blade of death and staring at her husband's exposed neck.
No thanks...I will pass on this one. I think I can manage to shave myself thanks. Oh, and I love your mother...really, I do. And you look great in those jeans...YOU DO...I swear!
7. Strip
Why: Because he really — please, baby, please — wants you to.
rDAD: Yes PLEASE!!! YES PLEASE!! Let's hit the local strip clubs for research and get you a few lap dances while we are there...what a turn on! No matter what you think of your body we love it. We love it even more when your body is dressed in some trashy outfit and you are slowly taking off your clothes for us while we smoke cigars and pretend to be a rapper in the VIP room.....BRING IT ON!! Tonight THERE WILL BE sex in the Champagne Room! Hell yes!
8. Have a Conversation with His Boss
Why: Because he or she is the adult who, after you, matters most in your husband's daily life. So you want to play it just right.
rDAD: A conversation with my boss? Are you freakin' kidding me? I can make myself look like an idiot all on my own, just about any time of the day....I don't need your help doing it. Please don't talk to my boss. Talk to his wife so I don't have to. Talk to the neighbors so I don't have to. Please leave my boss alone...unless he has a crush on you because you are so hot....then you can flirt with him all you want so I can get a raise (also a joke). Trust me, my boss is not the most important person in my daily life. My wife and kids are....as long as you always refer to sections 3 and 7 in this article...
9. Throw Him a Super Surprise Party
Why: Because he'll never forget that you made him feel so special.
rDAD: Yeah, let's have all of my friends over for a surprise party just like when I was 10!! Can we have icre cream cake, streamers and gift bags too? PLEASE!!! Uuummmm, no thanks! Let's not. How about we hit a strip club for my birthday and I watch while you get lap dances all night. We can pretend to be part of the Pacman Jones crew and 'Make it Rain' in the club.....Then we go to a hotel and have some fun with one of your hottest friends from college...that would be an AMAZING birthday.
Surprise party? Only if I am turning 9 or 90....come on now! Appeal to the Neanderthal in me, not the child. As a side note, one of the best times of my life was on St. Patrick's' Day. The woman I was dating hopped on a mechanical bull at this outdoor club and slowly grinded the hell out of the thing and took her top off....I have never been so proud. It was SOOO HOT!!
10. Leave Him a Sexy Voice Mail at Work
Why: So he'll have a really compelling reason to get home on time.
rDAD: A sexy VM? Hey, why don't you write a porno note on a rock and throw it through my office window? That would be equal to a VM in today's technology driven world. Want to turn me on while I am at work? Take a picture of your boobs and then send it to me with a subject line like, "Lunch at home today?" or, "Picking you up at lunch for sex in the car!" That would be hot. Show up in the fur coat you begged me to buy you and have nothing on underneath. That is hot!
11. Quote at Least Three Lines from The Godfather
Why: Guys believe the Corleones know what it is to be a man. Yours just wants to know you get it. Capisce?
rDAD: What the hell? Three lines from the Godfather? I love movies and I am a total movie buff. I must own 400 DVD's and I am a total DVD collection snob (if you don't own a John Hughes movie you don't have a DVD collection...you have a collection of random DVD's...shame on you)...that being said, I would not be turned on by a woman quoting the Godfather....quote Caddyshack, The Princess Bride, Three Amigos, Road House, White Men Can't Jump or even pull out a few Big Lebowski references and I am completely turned on. I LOVED the Godfather, but a woman who can quote lines from that movie is kind of weird unless she is Sophia Coppola.
Keeping your man happy and crazy in love is not all about sex. Please don't get me wrong. However it is about paying attention to him and his needs. Understanding that men are Neanderthals in suits and nice shoes (sometimes baseball caps, jeans and Mercedes, but still Neanderthals)....we can't help it. In general, straight men don't like Oprah (or at least won't admit it). Men love strip clubs and wish we could tell you that we love strip clubs to your face (we don't have sex with the strippers, at least not unless we are rappers, pro athletes or politicians).
Our fantasies run wild through our brains all day (it is amazing we still have figured out how to put stuff in space)....we need our egos stroked all of the time....even if you have a headache we don't (well, at least not the head on our shoulders aches)...we don't have to talk to you all of the time...if we are in the car it is ok to not speak to one another, the music does the job just fine. Want to impress me? Brew a mean micro-beer or learn the difference between a single malt scotch and whiskey and bourbon....that would be hot...especially if you are wearing a French Maid outfit while explaining the difference and I am smoking a Cuban cigar. VERY HOT.
Ladies, remember one thing. You (as his wife or girlfriend) WANT your man to brag to his friends about how cool you are and about how sexy you are and about how you are a great mom and a great cook and how you don't care if he watches football all Sunday and about how you are SO sexy and about how you PUT it down in bed like no tomorrow!! If your man hangs out by the water cooler and brags like that to his friends he will NEVER leave you. NOT EVER.
Case in point...I had a friend (JH and TH you know who you are) who's wife made chicken wings, Vienna sausages, onion rings and a ton of other appetizers on Sundays for football. She also made sure the beer mugs were frozen for every refill and never let any of her husband's friends get up for anything (other than bathroom breaks). They have been married for 15 years and my buddy has never watched football at any place other than his own home. In return he shops with his wife whenever she wants, watches the kids so she can hang with her own friends and makes her hair appointments for her. He has NEVER cheated on his wife....WEIRD concept, huh? Cater to one another's needs and do so selflessly? Wow...just my opinion for whatever it is worth.
YOU HEARD ME!
For those of you who are interested, here is a link to the original article on MSN....
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/loveandromance/articlerb.aspx?cp-documentid=6394926
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