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I recently came across an article on MSN highlighting what author Steve Calechman feels are 18 Things A Grown Man Should Never Have. After reading the article I have come the the conclusion Steve Calechman probably grew up playing squash, attending Polo matches and wearing cardigans tied around his neck while attending a private grade school. In an effort to represent the guys who love tailgating, UFC, NFL and everything red blooded American Males should dig, this single dad has written a response to Mr. Calechman......
1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose.
rDad: I am torn on this one. However, before I begin I do have to point out a few things. First, it is obvious this guy has never "dunked" anything except maybe a jumbo shrimp into some cocktail sauce. The rim hitting your face? Seriously? Ask Shaq if that scenario has ever happened to him. And, who uses the word "peepers" outside of Grandmothers and grade school teachers? Now, granted I haven't been in a fist fight in about 5 years I am not the kind of guy who walks away. Plus, just because you get a black eye is in no way indicative of having lost the fight. Also, being the father of three boys I receive at least one black eye per year just from wrestling with my boys. Hey chief, if some guy slaps my woman on the ass while we are in a bar you can damn sure bet I am going to smack his face. Us Jersey boys don't play like that.
2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.
rDad: Gotta agree with the author on this one. I have seen way too many grown men with email addresses even more ludicrous than the personalized license plates I see on the highway every day. Dude, come on, if you are over the age of 18 your email addy shouldn't be "pokhergod69" or "luvthepakers". Time to grow up Chief. I was reviewing resumes of potential sales candidates and the email addresses of recent college graduates made me wonder what kind of business school Cal is running. Rule 1: Your email address should be your name and not "BeerPongChamp08". Time to grow up big guy.
3. An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her...along with breakfast in bed.
rDad: A three course dinner for her? Get the F*CK OUTTA HERE! Seriously, if I was planning on cooking a woman a three course dinner it certainly wouldn't be on the fly. Come on...who does that?
Before my kids came back from summer vacation all I had in my fridge was bottled water, diet coke and hot pockets. When my kids are home my pantry is full of Captain Crunch, Spaghetti, canned peaches and all kinds of crap for lunches at school. Three course meal...yeah, no problem Chef Ramsey. Shall I grab fresh shallots out of the garden for the lamb? WHATEVER! Let's say we just order a thin crust pizza from Amici's, open a bottle of Cakebread Chard and watch the first season of Magnum P.I. on DVD.
4. PlayStation thumb. When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life.
rDad: Gotta agree with this one. I like to play a few first person shooter games and TWG every now and then, but if you are over the age of 25 and addicted to video games you should probably give your mom 30 day notice and think about getting your own place. Ruling the expert level on Guitar Hero doesn't make you a rock star and certainly won't get you laid (at least not in real life anyway).
5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork.
rDad: Gotta agree with this one as well. Key chains with bottle openers are very passé. You should swing by Nordstrom's and pick up a pair of Reef flip flops with the bottle opener on the bottom of the shoe. The new models even have a flask in the heel. Very hip and oh so functional. What woman wouldn't be impressed with a guy who can open her beer with his shoe?
6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be.
rDad: Whatever dude. I have two lucky shirts and each of them has a story behind it. Both stories involve women who had boyfriends at the time and the T-shirts are trophies. Much more than shirts these items represent challenges conquered and opponents bested.
7. An unstamped passport.
rDAd: I hate this entirely new way of thinking that a person isn't educated or worldly if he or she hasn't traveled outside of the U.S. I have been to Mexico three times this year and my passport wasn't stamped during any of those trips. I have done my time on the Euro Rail and waited in line at the Louvre, but neither of those things was better than anything our great country has to offer. I have also traveled across the U.S. by car two times in my life and I have to say there are places in our country I still haven't seen. I would take a day in NYC having lunch at the Boat House in Central Park and then touring the MOMA rather than flying 13 hours in coach just to prove I am worldly.
Here's something for you, the next time you are having a conversation with someone who is bragging about their latest trip to some over hyped, totally sissified, U.S. citizen hating country...step in and ask that same person if he/she has ever been to Yosemite or Graceland or The Statue of Liberty or The Vietnam Memorial Wall or Mount Rushmore....when the person in question answers "No", just reply with, "I see you are quite the world traveler there, bro. What country do you file your taxes in?"
8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.
rDad: Olympic Dreams? I don't even get this one...except curling and archery...both events which are very lame. If this statement is referring to age I would like to refer the author to the 41 year old swimmer who burned up the Olympic Trials. Who writes this crap?
9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.
rDad: As much as I love the coloquialism "fiduciary nudity" I have to ask, 'why would I ever carry cash?' Cash is so Gordon Gekko. Unless I am about to walk into a strip club, tip the car wash attendant, tip the valet or pay for a cab ride I never have cash on me. What in the world is so necessary about paying for coffee with cash? I don't even get this one. Listen Boss, a real man always wears aviator sunglasses and carries a knife with a compass in the handle, duct tape, paper clips and drives a Ferarri. Just ask Magnum P.I., Rambo and McGuyver.
10. A name for his penis. Even if it's a really clever name.
rDad: This single dad has never named his junk, but it has been known by many names by a great number of women. Many of those women still send my junk love notes. My junk gets embarrassed, but tends to handle it with a great sense of humility.
11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.
rDad: Beer Snob. This stupid idea comes from the same person who probably hasn't once stepped foot in Grand Central Station (per #7), but can somehow find his way around the Euro Rail like he was born overseas. A true country man. Hey bro, when my boys come over to watch a game, as much as I love them I am not going to break out the Stella Artois. For the boys and mass drinking I am icing down the Miller Lite and enjoying the day. However if you swing by I will make sure to have the cosmos ready, tough guy.
12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own.
rDad: "Because you are probably not privy to the new shit man!" "Dude, where's your car Dude?" "It's my dirty undies Dude." I am sorry, but quoting Caddyshack, The Big Lebowski or Superbad when you are getting hammered with your friends can be quite funny. I also enjoy sending random text messages with quotes from Borat to my friends. Once again, the guy who wrote this article probably wore argyle sweaters to grade school and could tell the number of any high school locker simply by smelling the inside.
13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, "Take me on your futon."
rDad: I can guarantee my futon in college saw more action that this guy has ever seen. Once again, a very snobbish point of view. I have a friend who lives in an extremely cramped place in the city, makes well over $300k and sleeps on a futon. He has no problem meeting women or convincing them to spend the night. It's never about the bed and always about the ride.....(just ask any insanely ugly guy driving a Lamborghini).
14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.
rDad: The military has code names for everything. I would challege you to debunk their system on the basis that grown men do use code words for anything. Go ahead dude, I'll bring my cheap beer, my flops, a lounge chair and chill while I watch you try to talk your way out of that fight....hey, good luck! That being said, I have code names for ugly women....I have code names for hot women....I have code names for terrible drivers....and I have a ton of code names for jagasses like you.
15. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else's office.
rDad: Agreed.
16. A secret handshake.
rDad: Agreed. Unless you are in the cub scouts or a professional athlete, secret handshakes are very creepy and extremely juvenile.
17. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald's Hamburglar ones.
rDad: Agreed. I don't even let my kids keep those silly plastic cups from restaurants.
18. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop…"
rDad: Some of my best stories start like that...."So, I said to the cop...really? I was going that fast? No shit? The speedometer tops out at 150. That is so awesome!" This guy probably has stories that start somewhat like this..."So, I said to the cop...it was that guy over there! He's the one who poured a drink on my head, called me a sissy, kissed my girlfriend and then stepped on my loafers. Please arrest him!!"
YOU HEARD ME!
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