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In a concerned effort to help all of my male brethren who are in committed relationships and have fallen prey to one of the many questions women don’t really want truthful answers to, I have compiled a list of 'trap questions' men should never answer truthfully. This single dad's insights come from my own painful experiences as well as the experiences of my married friends. Having been in several committed relationships over the course of my life and having suffered many cold nights in the home front Siberia known as 'the couch' this list has been birthed out of my suffering and pain. Read, learn, enjoy......
1. "Does this make me look fat?"
This question is typically asked of a man who was talked into clothes shopping with his wife/girlfriend. The guy in question is usually sitting on some very uncomfortable chair, holding a purse, racking up the impending charges on his credit card in his mind and wishing he was in a sports bar with his buddies. You're bored and vulnerable and she knows it.
If you (ie. the guy) ever plan on having sex with your wife/girlfriend again you had better answer this question with an emphatic 'NO'. Of course your first urge is to say, "No, that dress doesn't make you look fat. Your hips do." Or, "No, that bikini is sexy. Your belly is what makes the bikini look bad. Remember when you worked out? That was hot." Or, "Of course not. That dress is hot. Let's go hit The Foot Locker and get you some running shoes to go with it."
Women ask questions such as this one in the hopes of gaining some type of affirmation and comfort to quell their own insecurities. Believe me, your wife/girlfriend knows if she is fat or not. She is asking you this insanely loaded question hoping you will lie to her. She wants you to pretend to be blind and tell her she looks great no matter how bad she make look. So do yourself a favor and lie. Lie, lie and lie some more.
"Honey, that dress is hot, but you make it look even hotter. Wow!" Then hit the register, pay for the dress, give your wife/girlfriend a kiss, slap her on the butt and then saddle up to the nearest bar.
2. "I love your mom. Don't you just love mine?"
This question is usually followed by the gut wrenching response of, 'great, because she is moving in with us' or, 'I knew you felt that way which is why I asked my mom to stay with us this Summer'.
Believe me, your wife knows you probably don't like her mother. She also knows her mother hasn't liked you from the moment she heard her daughter first say your name. You're the guy who makes her daughter cry when you two fight. You're the guy who makes her daughter feel inadequate when you and your buddies hit Hooters for lunch. You're the guy who expects too much. You're the guy who makes her daughter work for a living. You're the guy who blew $500 in Vegas trying to become the next Phil Ivey. Yes, that's you. So, when you answer this question and every question that follows this one you had better think about it.
Hey Big Baller, I'm not jumping on your case for playing the Charles Barkley role and throwing down some serious jack on some crazy bets in Las Vegas. We have all been there. But, stunts like that will put you in the "Son-in-Law Haters Club Hall of Fame". Mother-in-Laws tend to be masters at turning a $500 loss into the entire family savings and twist stories to fit their own agendas. Where do you think your wife learned that very same skill?
Did I mention the lying part? In order to get out of this one alive you (the guy) need to answer this question with such an appropriate and subjectively vague manner that our Nations top politicians and spin doctors would turn green with envy. Your life depends on it.
My suggestion; "Sure babe. Your mom is great." Or, "Who wouldn't love your mother? She makes the best pie/cake/cookies/meatloaf." Be VAGUE. This question is a trap. If you tell your wife/girlfriend the truth you are done. You are playing solo for many nights to come. I know you want to put your paper down, look your wife in the eye, adjust your sack, man up and say, "Hell no I don't love your mom. Your mother is crazier than you are at the Nordstroms Half Yearly Sale."
Don't do it bro. Just sit back, keep the paper in front of your face so you can hide your eyes and that 'I just vomited in my mouth' look and politely say, "Of course dear. All mothers are great. Especially yours. I need a double scotch. How about you?"
3. "Have you ever thought about having sex with any of my friends?"
This question can take many forms however it is always deadly and can strike at any moment just like the proverbial snake in the grass. This question may be posed as 'any of the women at work' or 'that woman at the gym with the perfect body'.....etc, etc.....Ultimately your wife/girlfriend is asking you this question to see if you have ever thought of cheating on her. In all likelihood she is feeling insecure and wants to validate her insecurity by trapping you into a situation you have no hopes of ever returning from. You need to duck and cover on this question and do so rapidly. If you even pause on this one you are burned.
Every guy on this planet knows he has, at the very least, pictured every woman who is at a minimum 'mildly attractive' in the nude and most likely had thoughts of a sexual nature. That being said, if your wife/girlfriend has any friends who are hot then you and I both know you have thought about that friend at least once. You can't help it. I know it, every geneticist who's ever studied human behavior knows it and even your wife/girlfriend knows it. She just wants to see if you are dumb enough to answer her honestly.
Have I mentioned anywhere in this article that you should lie? Smile at your wife/girlfriend, look her in the eyes, kiss her gently on the mouth, squeeze her butt and say, "Come on now honey, you and I both know you are the sexiest woman in the world to me." That's it! That is all! Say no more. Anything else you say from that point could possibly be dissected and eventually used against you. Don't acknowledge the fact that she has hot friends. Don't even talk about the girl at work. Don't even begin to compare your wife/girlfriend to the woman at the gym. She is waiting for you to do it. The fact that you would even mention any of the women in question only implies you are thinking about those women. Trust me on this one Chief.
Look, I know you want to brag to your woman about the fact that the women at work actually find you attractive in the hopes that such information will spark your woman to spend some time paying a little more attention to your "ego", but telling her something like that will only send you to solitary. The only attention you'll be getting will be self prescribed. Live it up Big Dog and enjoy the attention you get at work/gym etc., but keep it to yourself.
4. "You would rather spend time with your friends than with me?"
This question is typically asked of a once happy man just as he is about to walk out the front door for a nice relaxing day with the guys. This poor schlub usually has his golf clubs hanging over his shoulder, a bag of cigars in his shirt pocket and a big smile on his face because he was finally given permission to play golf with his buddies. Or, he could have on his team jersey on and a pair of game tickets in his hand ready to have a relaxing Sunday screaming at the top of his lungs while knocking back several cold ones and reliving the glory days.
Your wife/girlfriend is very tactical in her timing when asking this question. She knows you are in a weakened state because you are so euphoric that you are about to get out of the house for a day. She was lying in wait right by the front door, scoping you out like a lioness on the prowl.
Here's the deal my man, you and I are probably on the same page when it comes to how we would love to answer this question. We would love to look our wife/girlfriend in the eyes and say, "Uh, yes. Of course I would love to hang with my buddies more than you. My buddies don't nag at me about the trash. My buddies to have 'to do lists' for me. My buddies like to watch sports and talk trash. My buddies don't ask me about my feelings unless one of them just hit me in the junk and wants to know if I am feeling any pain. My buddies don't want to drag me to the mall and then have me hold a purse while they try on clothes they don't need. My buddies don't want to talk crap about the neighbor's wife and how they can't believe she has the nerve to work out and then wear a bikini to the neighborhood pool party."
Or, "Of course I do. The guys never sit in the golf cart complaining about how hot it is outside and how much they hate sweating. The guys never complain about cigar smoke or how their shoes don't match their shirt."
Trust me bro, this signle dad is with you on this one and so is your wife/girlfriend. Your wife knows unless she is about to whip out the porn you two bought while you were dating and light a few candles or throw on her ASU jersey because you two have tickets for the game, you would rather be hanging out with your guy friends. She knows this is a fact and she is insecure about it. And, if you answer this question honestly you can bet you'll be watching that porn all by yourself for the rest of your life.
Your wife is well aware of the fact that you have probably had the same group of friends for 15 years. She is very much aware of the fact that you knew your buddies long before you ever knew her. That is why she has always tried to get you to ditch your pals and find new 'married friends'. She hates the competition. In her heart of hearts she knows you and your friends would jump on grenades for one another and that makes your wife nuts. Women don't typically have those types of relationships (at least not with other women). Most women would kill their friends for the last pair of wedge heels on sale at Nordstroms. Have you ever watched news footage of women tearing at one another like a pack of rabid dogs at Bridal sales? Men would never do that and women know it.
You need to grab your wife around the waist, kiss her gently on the forehead, look her in the eyes and calmly say, "Of course I wouldn't rather spend time with the guys. I love spending time with you. I just know how much you hate hanging around and watching us guys watch the game. I figured you would rather have some alone time which is why I booked you a nail and hair appointment. Have a great time babe."
There is an unlimited variety of trap questions a woman will ask the man in her life. Men just have to be smart enough not to answer such questions truthfully. No matter how many times your wife/girlfriend tells you she never wants you to lie to her, she certainly doesn't want you to tell her the truth when she asks you things like, "Am I wrong?" or "Do you love me?"
YOU HEARD ME!
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I know my mom is crazy. Its a fact that I have accepted and embrace. Of course you have thought about screwing my friends..you have a penis dont you? The question is; are you stupid enough to try to act on it. Go out and play with your damn friends. That just means that I can curl up on the couch and watch Lifetime while you are somewhere else belching, farting and watching football.
1.We need to talk
These words shut off a man's brain faster than long division. When men hear you say that they immediately go into flight mode. And anything they can do to get out of this conversation - and better yet, your apartment - they will. There are plenty of other ways to approach a delicate conversation, and getting them in a place where they feel comfortable is a good start.
2. Size doesn't matter
Size does matter to men and they know it matters to you! So the moment you utter these words, he knows that you consider him too small . It's best just to not say anything at all.
3. I've had better
After a session of hot pa*sionate lovemaking (in his view!), he asked if it was as good for you as it was for him and you tell him matter of factly that you have had better. Nothing damages a man's ego like knowing he was not the best lover you've ever had! Keep it to yourself.
4. You're just like my ex-boyfriend
Men hate it when you compare them, whether in a negative or positive way to your ex. They always want to feel that they are better than anyone you ever dated is. So ladies this is a no-no!
5. You were interested in his best friend and couldn't get the friend so you settled for him.
No man wants to hear that he is the runner-up. If his friend wouldn't have you why should he?
6. I am not sure if the baby is yours
After he has spent a lot of time dealing with your change in emotions during the pregnancy, feeding the baby and changing diapers, he does not want to hear that he might not be the father.
7. I just want us to be friends
These few words can turn a guy's world upside down, especially if he was hoping you'd be more than a friend someday. To him, this might be a subtle way of saying that you don't want him getting the wrong idea.
hat are the top ten things a woman would never say to a man..