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On the day of my birth I somehow came to the insane conclusion that taking my three boys and my mother to a water park would be so much more fun than playing a round of golf, drinking a few beers, smoking a few cigars and eventually settling into a cushy, corner love seat a the Hustler Club in San Francisco. Silly me. I should have listened to my mother when she told me making decisions of any kind on your birthday was always a bad decision because your birthday is a day of trauma. Going to Water World ended up being very traumatic. Especially for everyone in the wave pool.
Such a fine day and even finer idea had me one year older, placed me in one hundred degree heat, cost me $120 to walk through the gates and had me wading my way through a water park full of people with sleeveless t-shirts, jail house tattoos and a distinct distaste for deodorant and dentists. From the moment I walked through the gates of Water World I knew it was going to be a birthday to remember.
One hour into the day and only a few minutes after lunch my boys spotted the wave pool and this dad could feel his stomach beginning to turn......
 As far as this dad is concerned swimming in a public pool is like being the last guy in line at a spin the bottle party. When the bottle finally points in your direction your endorphins kick in and you instantly scan the circle for the hottest chick. And, while the girl sitting across from you may be hot and her lips may look like Angelina Jolie's, but if you think about how many people have slipped their tongue down her throat before the bottle gave you the VIP pass to Herpes Zoster, the act of sucking face with that hottie may make you want to wipe her lips down with Clorox before you move in for the kill. Still horny there Casanova? Comparably, the general public has the hygiene schedule and common sense of your common pond toad so the idea of hoping into a boiling cauldron of chlorine, bacteria, psoriasis, shingles, herpes and any of your other everyday skin diseases makes this single dad want to puke.
The outrageously long lines conquered and water slides mastered my boys decided they would do their best to coax this dad into the wave pool. Reluctantly I agreed. So, I lathered up my well tanned body in a few additional layers of sun screen and prayed I would come out of the cesspool known as Undertow with the same beautiful skin I went in with. Needless to say my day ended with a scalding shower, several shots of Makers Mark and an alcohol swab down.
Here are the things I witnessed while swimming with the masses:
- I witnessed a fat, thirteen year old kid being rescued by a Lifeguard. After resting his fat ass on the Lifeguard's tube of life the kid promptly ran away the moment his feet his dry land. As it turns out this kid wasn't pretending to drown he was just swimming along the bottom of the pool to look at girl's butts. His parents must be proud. What I found perplexing is the fact that this kid wasted some Lifeguard's time and risked her life as well only to walk away from the incident as if nothing happened.
- I witnessed a guy on a cell phone was wading through the wave pool while threatening to beat the hell out of some guy who owed him money. Something about a dice game, the exhaust pipe to a Harley and a woman who has a snake tattoo on her ankle. His in-depth and carnal knowledge of the many uses for the word F*#k was certainly entertaining. His insanely large tattoo of his biker crest which covered his billboard size belly was almost as impressive as the pirate earrings and Speedo trunks.
- I witnessed a scene of disgust involving a lovely couple who decided it would be a great idea to bring their infant into the pool with a loaded diaper. Ten minutes later the diaper exploded leaving a trail of yellow crystals and poop snakes. It only took three kids screaming their heads off for the water park personnel to clear the pool and sweep up the debris left behind by this courteous family and their poop machine kid.
Here's what I learned about Water Parks:
- I learned if you fork over four chlorine soaked twenties ($80 for you public school drop outs) at gun point and in return you get two paper thin hamburgers, an order of chicken strips and two orders of chips with melted Velveeta, aka Nachos. Any one of these meals has enough Sodium to stop your heart before your stomach has even finished digesting such delicacies.
- I also learned you can risk a Lifeguard's life without repercussion or fear of ejection. Where's the part of the story where these Lifeguards tie the fat kid who was rescued to a hot metal pole and whip his ass with wet towels? Where is the part of the story where this kid and his genius raising family get tossed out of the park?
- I learned any couple with the ability to reproduce regardless of intellectual prowess or ability to support their offspring have the inalienable right to turn public pools and wave pools into porta potty's at their discretion. A diaper? A diaper? You do know those things explode right? Diapers crystalize urine and fill up in the same fashion as water balloons. Taking one into a swimming pool is asinine, outrageously stupid and thoughtless. It is also disgusting. But, Water World apparently has no problem with its guests doing so. Don't fret about the eighty bucks you slapped down at lunch because Hepatitis is free.
- I learned conversations concerning loan sharking, women who own cigarette purses and have tattoos, broken down Harleys and cheating at cards is just part of the local flavor. Much like taking a guided vehicle tour through the plains of Africa, wading through a public watering hole is in itself experiencing animals in their natural habitat.
- Lastly, I learned if you want to enjoy a refreshing dip and a few thrills without the risk of contracting an incurable disease you should build a pool in your own back yard and invite some friends over. If you want herpes and a skin rash you can't cure feel free to head to your local water park and take a dive in the wave pool.
Keep your perverted kids and your infantile crap machines at home. Please....
YOU HEARD ME!!
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Maybe next year on your birthday you'll be a year wiser and take that corner seat at the Hustler club? I'd wager there are things you could catch there too, but at least there'd be some fun involved.
Happy Belated Birthday.. btw.