|
Mitch Album wrote and published a great novel entitle The Five People You Meet in Heaven. This was an extremely powerful and insightful novel centered around acknowledging the individuals who have an impact on your life regardless of your ability to recognize that impact of those individuals at the time. In honor of Mitch Albums beautiful novel, I have created my own list of the three people I came across on a recent trip to San Francisco who certainly had an impact on me. However this single dad can guarantee he won't meet any of these clowns in heaven.
The Day Begins and I Meet 'Courtesy Flush' - Before hopping on the BART and spending 45mins doing the pee pee dance I decided to let go of my germ phobia and risk catching Hep C while using the public restroom. As I walked through the door I was instantly caught off guard when I heard voices. Normally those voices in my head are versed in my father's baritone voice and screaming at me not to touch anything or a homeless guy hugging some porcelain. Today however the voice was coming out of the stall next the the urinal where I was evacuating the weekend's allotment of beer and wine. My first reaction to a man taking a dump while talking on the phone was one of disbelief. A cell phone in the crapper? And a business call no less. Really?
This chucklehead was going on and on about T1 lines, bandwidth, virtual servers and on and on and on. I should have guessed him an IT geek by the fact that he was wearing grey slacks, white socks and black shoes. Yes, that is right. White socks and black shoes. The only thing better than that would have been jean shorts, tube socks and flip flops. Very metro. So, there I stood, deed done, not a drop on the floor (Dad would be proud) and my hand clenched in my standard "don't touch the handle with my finger" position when out of no where I heard the guy say "Don't do it."
Now I wasn't quite sure who the hell this guy was talking to so I ignored him and flushed away. The guy in the stall immediately responded by saying, "Yeah, can you please hold on? Some guy next to me just flushed the toilet with no regard to the fact that I am on the phone." Let me get this straight. You are the asshole who couldn't finish your phone call before hitting the head and now you are going to give me crap for flushing the toilet? Really? I so badly wanted to kick open the stall door and hit this clown dead in the grill with a wadded up piece of wet TP. That would have been classic.
Can you imagine the look on that dorks melon had the stall door came flying open with a bang and me was standing where the door used to be with my arm cocked holding a softball sized mess of wet toilet paper?
Instead I just reached over the stall door and gave that geek the middle finger. Now what?
Next time you need to make a call at the same time you have to take a crap do what normal people do...clench your ass cheeks together, cross your legs, squirm and finish the damn call as quickly as you can.
While on The BART I Ran Into 'Anti-Everything'- Now the BART gets its fare share of weirdos, freaks, homeless people, those pretending to be homeless and all those in between. Having lived in New York for most of my life I have spent enough time utilizing public transportation to gain an understanding and tolerance for the characters you run into as well as the stale, yet pungent smell of urine. But, every now and then I run into something special. Something so out there I just have to stop what I am doing and pay attention to the detail and hard work some people put into being so Anti-Everything. Because looking as bad and as homeless and apathetic and lethargic as some of these captains of industry do really does take a ton of work.
Case in point..check the picture. What I especially love is the lopsided Mohawk and the skin tight, black jeans with the bullet belt. Check out the lid on this kid. He looks like he got into a fight with soil tiller. Not to mention the fact that his arms are almost as skinny as his mohawk. So awesome! How do you order a lid like that? Seriously what is the Super Cuts protocal for getting the 'asshole' cut?
Notice the blue jean jeacket with the sleeves cut off. No T-shirt underneath, just straight jean jacket with a black button down jean shirt tied around his waist. An ensemble like that just screams I will never be CEO of anything. Wear it and wear it well tough guy. What I want to know is how the "getting a real girlfriend" plan is coming? Any lucky ladies out there want to take this guy on? Trust me, he smelled even worse than he looked. Priceless.
Check the bag out. A very nice North Face bag. Even better was the fact that this kids' father picked him up at the Orinda stop in an S Class Mercedes. That is awesome. It sure is easy being anti-establishment and expressing your views through jacked up hair when your dad drives a $100,000 car. Way to suck it up and show the world what you are made of bro. Do you have any Grey Poupon?
The patch on the shirt tied to his waste is some MIA thing with a skeleton being harrassed by a cop. The slogan at the bottom of the patch reads 'AGGRESSION'. On his inside pant leg was a patch that read 'Take It Like A Man - Only Bitches Cry'. Not sure what the relevance of that patch is, but I am sure one night in prison with a haircut like that and this stupid kid would have that slogan whispered in his ear more than once.
Do your parents a favor and run away from home.
That Night at the Giants Game I Met 'Stat Master' - Have you ever been to a professional baseball game and seen those people who come to the stadium packing their personal radio, baseball mitt, scorer's book and wearing every piece of team schwag ever made? If so, you know the people I am referring to.
These Stat Masters are those distraught individuals who will stomp a mud hole in some little kid's chests like a bull eating up tourists at Pamplona just to catch a foul ball and then hold it up to show it off to the crowd. Nice catch their Damon. Maybe next inning the team will remember that sweet grab and call you down for your chance at the show. Good thing you brought that baseball glove, eh? I am sorry, but a grown man with a baseball mitt at a pro game is borderline creepy.
These dorks have duffel bags full of all kinds of team booklets, extra batteries for their radios, books on player bios and boxes of pencils just in case one breaks while they are filling out their scorer's books. Stat Masters make me insane and two weeks ago I bought the best seats eBay had to offer for the Giants last Friday night homestand only to wind up sitting next to one of the biggest baseball freaks I have ever seen. I am pretty sure the guy sitting next to me was the King of these Stat Dorks.
This cat was decked from head to to in Giants gear. He even had on black socks with Giants branded Crocs. Crocs? Really? Dude, come on. Unless you are 3 or a Nurse you should not be wearing Crocs. Not ever. Not to mention the fact that this guy's Giants hat was loaded with enough metal memorial pins that New York City probably could have melted this jokers hat down and used it for spare steel on the new towers.
In the first inning alone there were 3 broken bats. I know this because the dork made it a point to show me his stats for broken bats in his score book. He then gave me the run down on how many broken bats there have been in the MLB this season (1500 to be exact - keep that in your hat for your next dinner party) and the fact that the league is now investigating the wood being used. Uuuuhhhhmmm, ok.
The best part of the night was during the 7th Inning Stretch when this dork leans over and tells me, "Once the last out is called if you get up and walk down the stairs while I get up and walk up the stairs to the bathroom I will be back by the time you make it up the steps and we won't have to waste any time." Uuuhhh, ok? I just about lost it I was laughing so hard. This dork not only had the stats from every game that season in his silly duffel bag, but he also had a plan for taking a leak that would allow him not to miss a single pitch. I am guessing the last time this guy talked to a woman he was at the concession stand ordering his beer.
Hey Chief, do us all a favor and leave your glove at home. Your athletic prowess makes the players nervous.
YOU HEARD ME!!
Trackback(0)
 |
TrackBack URI for this entry
Subscribe to this comment's feed
Thankfully my son would never dress like that kid. My son is way too clean to ever dress that way. I think he has a touch of OCD when it comes to his clothes.
) 