rDadsLife!

Here are some of the things I have learned while serving time in men's lavatories all over the world:

The stall of power:  When entering a men's restroom the first thing any real man does is survey the land.  This process is very reminiscent of entering a board room for a hostile takeover and making sure you land the seat at the head of the table.  When facing a row of empty urinals every red blooded male knows he has to take the middle stall.  Taking the middle stall establishes dominance.

The middle stall is the stall of power.  The middle stall let's every other guy in the bathroom know you are the one inmate in the yard who won't mind sticking his fork in your eye and then using it to eat that nights serving of jailhouse mash.  The middle stall signifies your belief that you have the biggest man handle in the place and you won't have a problem laying that anaconda on a yard stick to prove it.

Don't look at me...DON'T LOOK AT ME!:  Keeping your eyes forward is the quintessential rule to men's room survival.  This rule is similar to the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.  By keeping your eyes forward you are telling the guys standing on each side of you, "I don't want to know what is in your hand and you sure as hell don't want to know what is in mine."  It is also the men's room heterosexual litmus test. 

I don't care if your neck was surgically alter to the point that your head is forever turned to the left, you had better figure out how to pee while standing sideways because your eyes better be looking at the wall in front of you.  Unless you are trying to commit suicide never look to the left.  Never look to the right.  Look forward or do the all out macho thing and look down at your junk while saying, "Damn, God loves me." 

Keep your mouth shut:  Just like the Mob has its rules about squealing, standing in front of a pisser while holding your man meat has its rules about talking.  While this rule is often violated by the elderly and men who were raised by single mothers (go ahead and bring the hate mail), unless you are stone cold drunk and talking to yourself, uttering a single word to any man other than yourself while taking a leak is grounds enough for banishment to the ladies room for life. 

Keep Your Ass To Yourself:  I am about to once again stick my hand into the viper pit of single motherhood and make the statement that every guy I have ever seen drop his pants to his ankles, exposing his bare ass so he can take a piss has to have been raised by a single mom (bring it ladies).  I know, I know...you hate me for this, but on some level you have to agree with my reasoning.  A guy who drops his pants and his fruit of the looms to the floor just so he can stand up to pee is like a male dog who grew up with only female dogs.  That male dog doesn't know how to lift his leg to take a piss because no one ever showed him how.  No male influence.  So that dog squats like his female cohorts.

A man who never had a father to show him how to take a leak with his pants up will obviously stand out...well his ass certainly stands out.  Not only is his ass displayed in the mirrors behind him, this guy is also like French tourists poolside in the summer.....empty pool chairs all around them and all alone.  USE DEODERANT...PLEASE!!! 

Urine is Acid Rain:I once saw a fight in a men's room that has forever disturbed me.  If you have seen Eastern Promises and remember the Russian Bathhouse scene you know what I am talking about.  That fight had fists, flip flops and junk flying all over the place.  The fight played out like a scene out of a gay version of Westside Story (not that I have ever seen gay porn - this is just a guess). 

Here is the deal, if you wear flip flops into a public restroom you had better use a crapper because if you stand in a stall the sheet metal divider between urinals will not protect your toes from the shower of piss splashing to the floor.  And, when your toes end up all covered in some guy's urinal tract extract don't start throwing fists.  Look, the guy didn't turn to the side and start pissing down your leg while talking about the Gay Pride Parade.  You stepped into a stall with your freaking Reefs on and now you are all tough guy'd up because you wound up with piss on your feet.  Your bad, not his.  You need to own the fact that you decided go out in the rain unprotected and got burned. 

No Kid Blocking:  Just like women hunt in packs for shoes and purses, men hunt in packs for women.  And, the first rule of hunting for chicks is "no cock blocking".  If your bud is telling some chick he owns a small country outside of Uganda, you need to step in and sing his national anthem.  Make that shit up and make it believable. Anything else would be cock blocking.  The same rule applies to the men's restroom. 

I don't care how crowded the place is or how bad you have to piss, no grown man should unleash his beast in the little boy's urinal stall.  That stall is close tot the ground so our little men in training don't have to stand on their tippy toes while learning how to control the spray from their fire hose.  Any arsehole brave enough to step in front of a young boy doing the pee pee dance needs to understand he is taking his life into his own hands.  In New York City I have seen  men dragged outside and thrown under cabs for less.  Shame on you bro!

Honorable Mentions

Bluetooth Piss:  Unless you want the freaking blue tooth earpiece shoved up your ass or flushed down the toilet I suggest you shove that gay piece of technology in your pocket before you hit the head.  Talking to the guy next to you is more acceptable than talking to your boss or your wife (same thing) while taking a piss.  Maybe you want to ask your wife which hand to hold it with? 

Face the Wall:  If you walk into a men's room and there are only two urinal stalls with no partition each of you must face the corner closest to your outside hand.  No peeking you perv!  That is the rule of the land my man.  No partition equals facing opposite corners.  Like fighters in the  ring.  Each of you must look to your corner for solitude, heterosexual reassurance and peace. 

I'm Shy:  We have all seen those guys who have their head against the wall while they stare down at their junk and have affirmation conversations..."You know you can do it..." or "Come on baby, let's do this."  You know who you are and you should be ashamed of yourself.  Dude, what is your deal?  We are all guys and we are all standing around holding our manhood, not looking at one another, doing our best to put our our most heterosexual persona while not talking and there you are just trying to figure out how to open the damn and unleash your stream of power. 

What in the world is that all about?  Catheter gone wrong?  Ex-wife walking around with your junk in your purse?  A little 'ghost limb' syndrome? Not even sure what that condition stems from, but men aren't real forgiving and talking to your piss is even weirder than actually having a meaningful conversation with your wife.  Keep up the good work there chief. 

The things I have learned while standing in front of a porcelain urinal have tought me that manhood is fragile and should be protected.  Unless you are in the jungles of Nam or the streets of Baghdad, you should never, ever, ever look another man in the eye or speak to that man while either of you are holding your junk.

Word up.

YOU HEARD ME!!