Generally women always want men to grow up. For some reason not caring about sex or sports means you have finally hit maturity. I always thought hair on my nuts, putting the toilet seat down and being able to watch the Red Sox beat my Yanks without kicking the crap out of the moron wearing the Youkilis jersey meant I was mature. Huh, go figure I was wrong. But, I was married once so I should just accept the fact that I am always wrong. On the other hand, men can't seem to grasp the fact that women want us to interpret their moods and feelings without clear lines of communication and reading their mind should come naturally after you fall in love. Somewhere along the way I must have missed the "Reading A Woman's Mind" lecture series in college.
So, as the opposite sexes trample through love and relationships like Godzilla through downtown Tokyo, relationship Gurus keep getting rich and divorce rates climb. Yet, as we all wonder aimlessly through our war torn love lives corporate advertising companies and marketing firms seem to have their fingers on the pulse of what makes men and women reach for their wallets. I am not claiming to be a love specialist or a dating swami, but I will say to all of you, if you truly want to understand the opposite sex just head down to your local newsstand and check out the Women's Interest section and the Men's Interest section. Women, spend a few moments absorbing the filth and muscle men live for and you will understand what goes on in your man's head ever 23 seconds of the day.
Hey ladies, being mature isn't losing your sex drive and wearing a cardigan while planning your next book club. As far as men are concerned that's considered death. Men, just because your wife took her top off at Mardi Gras doesn't mean that is her life's aspiration and once her wedding day has come and gone she realizes you are all she has to look forward to forever. So, if you want to get her naked you had better understand what makes her hot.
Men's Interests: Women just take a look at the first two rows. The magazines are covered by black dividers. That is because men are born knowing what is behind those dividers and we strive our entire lives to get women naked. The next few rows are all about sports, cars, cigars, business and muscle. The Men's Health magazines are really gay porn, but us guys get that and we don't talk about it. The reason the nudie mags are on the top two shelves is because little boys aren't old enough to see boobs and short guys don't get laid so why tease them. The business magazines remind us men that we should be earning more money than we are and the cigar magazines let us know that once we start earning kick ass jack we should smoke cigars to let other men know we make more cash than they do.
The magazines dedicated to cars are basically the porn all men can enjoy. When we are salivating over naked women us men are salivating over cars and the powerful engines that drive them. Nothing speaks more to a man's heart than a commercial with hot women, insanely cool cars and some karate. The GQ and Men's Vogue serve as reminders for us men that wearing your high school football jersey to work isn't going to get you that promotion you need so that you can afford the car you desire which will land you the arm candy you have always salivated over. Women, loosen up and realize the man you love truly is a neanderthal at the core of his being. Even if he does wear a three piece suit to work and chug down caramel macchiatos.
Men, check out the Women's Interest section: Bridal Mags are front and center. These magazines are within the eye line of every woman and girl regardless of height or age. Women are brainwashed from Day 1 of breathing that they are princesses and these wedding mags make sure no woman forgets that fact. Even if she is married, a woman still reads bridal mags so she can plan a better wedding her second time around with a guy who makes more money than the schlub she is married to now (yes bro, that schlub is you and your wife's mother never lets her forget it). The rest of the section is infested with Gossip, Clothes, Makeup, Gardens, Cooking, Knitting, Child Rearing and Fitness. The women's fitness however is always at the bottom because once they get married most women could care less about staying in shape. Having a child as early in the marriage as possible is always the plan so they can then use child birth as an excuse to no longer run 5 miles a day and lift weights.
The Gossip mags are the bread and butter of the Women's Interest section. Women are nosey creatures and ad execs are so tuned into that fact that most of the crap that happens in Hollywood is fabricated just to sell Gossip mags to women. You can't tell me Lyle Lovitt actually saw Julia Roberts naked. Come on, Lyle is the Kramer of Country Music. There is no way he even had his hand under her shirt and over her bra. That marriage was a bigger sham than Michael Jackson's. But, both of those marriages sold a ton of tabloid swill and made a ton of people rich as hell.
Men, if you want your woman to get excited about having sex with you do her a favor and get romantic, get a little nasty and find a babysitter. One morning as you head off to the office and she is about to hit the couch for a hard day of watching The View, slap her on the ass and kiss her on the back of the neck. Then whisper in her ear how hot she is and how much you love it when she.....Then just leave. She will think about that for the rest of the day. When you get to your office send her a text telling her how you thought about making love to her the entire ride into your office and you can't get her out of your mind. But hey, that is how I would handle it you could be different.
Your wife also wants you to clean the house for her every now and then. Make her hair appointment for her as a surprise and then take the kids for the day so she can relax. Your wife also wants you to watch crap like the Notebook with her and then tell her how your love is as deep as the love in the movie. Women, if you want to make your man happy stay in shape and never forget how fragile the male ego is no matter how cool your man pretends to be. Men crave your attention and they are freaks even if they are afraid to tell you about it.
Now tie me up and pinch my nipples! When we are done you can hand wash the minivan while wearing a bikini bottom and a white tank top.
YOU HEARD ME!!!
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